Light in the face of darkness: The path to becoming a Samaritan

Last night I sat listening to calls beside a man named John. He has been a listening volunteer at the Samaritans for 41 years. In context, John is likely to have supported more than 10,000 people in their moment of need - often when they're feeling suicidal. It is a privilage to have John as my mentor.

John told me that he volunteers because he enjoys it, likes talking to people and gets a nice feeling from helping people. "There's no altruism in it", says John :) 

I often thought about applying for the Samaritans but had never taken the jump. But last year, one of the most precious people in my life committed suicide. It felt even more brutal because he was such a beautiful person that gave so much of himself to others, including me. His wife and three children survived him. I will call him Daniel.

Beginnings

Daniel and I met at university. I was a fresher, and he was a finalist. The chaos of university meant we didn't spend a lot of time together, but it always felt significant when we did.

Daniel was always smiling. He was kind, wise and sincere. With a great sense of humour and self-deprecation, his kindness and boundless energy would light up any room.

Daniel left university in 2004, and over the next decade or so, whilst we never met, we kept in touch on social media and the odd phone call. Although the exchanges were infrequent, they always felt important.

At the beginning of 2017, my life collapsed. I won't share great details, but I was in a profoundly sunken place and reached the point where I was meticulously planning to end my life. I have never shared this publicly, and I gently request no response or attention to this fact (not to assume there would be any). I only disclose it for the context of the miracle of Daniel and the importance of the Samaritans. 

No one was aware of the pain I was in. I would go to lengths to ensure even my mum, brother, and best friends had no idea (never underestimate the power of pride).

Out of the blue, Daniel called me. 

The power of a phone call

He said he had been following the work of our charity closely and that he wanted to tell me how beautiful and essential it was. As always, his energy and kindness were unimaginably generous and sincere. It is hard to articulate how significant his call was. 

Daniel and I met several times over the following months. I never told Daniel what was happening because I didn't need to. His presence and kindness were enough. 

About a year later, I did tell him how his call and support had been pivotal in pulling me back from the brink. His reaction was putting his hand on my shoulder, holding a big grin, and letting me know how happy he was and that he was always there if I needed him. Humble was Daniel.

Mystery

How can we explain Daniel ending his life just a few years later?

How can we explain why someone who relentlessly went out of his way to love those feeling alone and low thought they couldn't go on? 

How can we explain why anyone feels suicidal, commits suicide, or can step back from the brink?

Of course, I don't know the answer. Life is so often a great mystery. But I do know that when someone is hurting, another human being showing them love in the face of suffering might be the most beautiful gift that we can ever give.

First calls

Last night I listened to John receive four calls. What stood out for me was how messy, complicated and painful some people find life to be. 

A 33-year old lady who's suffered a life of physical and psychological abuse from an alcoholic father she still lives with because she can't find a way to escape; a young man lost to his emotional turmoil, short temperament and broken relationships; a 20-year-old lady carrying a sense of shame because she stole a £3.50 meal from her employer (and was fired); a lonely lady who "wants God to take her" because she can no longer live with the agony of her ME.

In each of these calls, John's empathetic questions, non-judgmental reactions, and gentle warmth became an immediate pillar of love, kindness, and, I suspect, hope for these individuals. 

Self-determination

Many remarkable things have stood out from the exceptional training we received from the Samaritans. But what stands out the most is the Samaritan's belief in self-determination.

The Samaritans understand that people deserve the right to make their own decision. Our role is to be there for them, even if, in the end, they decide they cannot go on. Our part is not to advise but to empathise. Not to persuade but to listen. Not to judge but to love. 

Sometimes it feels unbearable that Daniel, like so many others, found no other path than ending their life. I found it saddening listening to those first Samaritan's calls to have a window into just how messy, heavy and unkind life feels for those callers. 

However, with each passing day in my life, I understand that the way to build a better world isn't in the defeat of suffering but in the commitment to being a light in the face of darkness. 

And it is beautiful to know that 22,000 Samaritans volunteers hope to be that light. I cannot tell you what a privilege it has been to join this remarkable organisation. 

Pressing on

I will begin to receive calls next week. I don't know how good I will be - if at all. But, it certainly won't be for lack of training or support - in my many years of volunteering, the Samaritans have been the most exceptional volunteering group I have been part of. 

I hope I can do what Daniel did for me and so many others. Whilst we lost Daniel from this earth, his presence and light shine on. He was the definition of a good Samaritan, and not one day goes past where I don't think of the beautiful traces that he left behind. 

Thank you for reading.

Take care and great blessings,

Benjamin

May 2022